I hate cancer
Put simply, I hate cancer. The odd thing is this. My mom has lived with cancer for a very long time. She was initially diagnosed when I was 21 years of age. She had an aggressive breast cancer and was already at stage 3 with 17 nodes involved.
The prognosis from the original physician was dire. She would be out of work for 4-6 months at least and she would have challenges in the arm on the side that was involved. I would have to move back home and care for her. Those were the days when a second opinion was mandatory.
My mom heard about a surgeon at Rush who was a good man and a good physician. We figured we would go see him. It turns out he was one of the kindest and most compassionate doctors I have ever known. He met with us and said that there could be no delays in operating, it can either be Friday or Monday but no more than that. We were in shock. He suggested we go have lunch and talk it over and then come back and see him.
We ate, I think. We decided on Monday so that mom could get some things in order. We wnet back up to his office and on the way we ran into him in the hallway. He walked up to us and asked if we had made a decision. We had. He said "great" and he put his hand on my moms' arm and said he would be back in his office shortly and we would discuss it.
As soon as he walked away mom said "He actually touched my arm and hand when he spoke to me." at this point we had some faith. When we met with him he said that mom would by fine in 4-6 weeks and should have little to no problems with the arm. True to his word, she was fine and back to work 6 weeks later. She never had any of the problems associated with a mastectomy.
But I digress.
Mom has had stage 4 breast cancer since 2001. She has been very lucky in that she had never had chemo or radiation to rid her of cancer. She did have some infusions to protect her bones from the cancer spreading but that was minimal and not the "hair falling out" variety that people think of with cancer.
She found a new lump about 2 months ago and for that they did some radiation and it disappeared. She had been losing her appetite and she started itching all over. For those of you that do not know my mom, she is often the "boy who cried wolf".
She can call me 47 times in under 3 hours because she was thinking of me and could not get in touch with me and wanted to tell me what she had for dinner. She has complained of stomach aches or heartburn every day for the past 10 years. Of course, she eats a big meal and them immediately jumps into bed. No shock about heartburn or a stomach ache after that.
Every year around the time of the seasons changing her skin gets dry and itchy. I hint that it might have something to do with her lack of fluid consumption and keeping the condo at a balmy 78 -80 degrees. So this year, when it happened again as it does every year I was not overly concerned.
She had a loss of appetite as well. This also usually happens the same time every year as the days grow darker and she gets a bit sad. The problem is that when I stopped in to see her a couple of weeks ago she was yellow. She had already seen her primary care doc and had some bloodwork done but no word from him. Strange I thought and told her to call him.
I had to have additional views for a mammogram (what fun eh) and had to go to the same docs office to pick up the order. I had the mammogram and it was fine according to the radiologist. I called my mom to let her know and she mentioned that she had not heard anything back from the doc.
Easy enough, go back to his office and ask him what is going on. He told me that he was waiting for a ohone call and he would call her today. By the time I got home she said he called and asked if she wanted to be admitted. You can imagine my shock given that the labs were drawn on 9/29 and it was now the 20th of October. She said he suggested that she get an ultrasound because sshe had some lab results that were worrisome. I told her we were going to get the US the next day (it was already 7pm) no matter what.
We went to Rush and had the US around 1:20 and he asked us to come to his office afterwards. He did not have the results yet but they had told us that they could not get in touch with him. He called the US people back and told us that it looks like there might be some gallstones causing a problem. If she wanted to be admitted she would have to go through the ER and it might take several hours (might?). I asked him to do a direct admit the follwoing morning and this way we could go home and get her some clothes and other items necessary for a hospital visit.
No worries. Rush calls the next am and asks what time we would like to come in. We tell them 11:30 and head on down to Rush. It is an easy admit and the staff is lovely.
They want to do a CT scan to get better visualization of the masses. Eventually that gets done and we discover it is a mass in her pancreas and not likely gallstones.
Rough day but okay.
They schedule her for an ERCP (do not ask me what it stands for, all I know is it is an endoscopic procedure). Fine. It gets delayed. Fine. Scheduled 2 days later than originally. Fine. They take her down before I get to the hospital. Not fine. Running around hospital to find her before procedure. Hectic but prudent. Get to hang out with her in crappy prep area. Fine.
GI surgeon comes out to talk to me. It looks like cancer and the mass is roughly 3cm and adjacent to the vein. So... Not... Fine....
On phone with Ronni immediately and I have no idea of anything I said to her. She asked if I needed her to be there and I think I said something along the lines of "I have absolutely no idea if I need you. That cannot be a good sign as I am not the kind of person that is indecisive. For those of you that know me well, please stop nodding in agreement of laughing at that.
Here is the bottom line. I have dealt with mom having cancer for 20 years now. It has rarely if ever fazed me. Even 20 years ago my first question to her was If she wanted to fight it or let go. We would proceed with a ccareful plan either way. Now, I am pissed at cancer. We looked you in the face for 20 years and told you you were not that tought. It seems as though cancer may get the last word on this one.
Or maybe not. My mom and I have spoken of end-of-life issues for two decades already. Her sister passed away 3 years ago after suffering horribly, and neglected by her immediate family for weeks (husband and son, not siblings). She had multiple organ failure and nobody wanted to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. Of course she crashed and they had to keep doing everything to keep her alive. She was unrecognizable before that even happened.
My mom pulled me from the room and clutched my arm and made me promise, yet again, to never let it get that far for her. I promised that and my intention is to honor that promise. It will not be easy. It is easy to become selfish and want to keep her around for me.
We still do not have the cytology reports that will determine if it is breast cancer that has metasticized or primary pancreatic cancer. Surgery has been ruled out for her (the operation that they might have done is a Whipple, go ahead, Google it) and I am actually grateful for that. It may sound cold to some and compassionate to others. There are reasons that she has been ruled out for surgery and they are valid ones. I did not have to worry about making that decision, it was made for both of us.
The location makes her not as much of a candidate for radiation either. So... One less decision to make there as well.
Last option is chemo. Oh chemo. When I told mom what their initial recommendation was after the multidisciplinary consult on her case she said "I really don't want to go through that at this point in my life". We will meet with the physicians next week after they have a definitive answer on what type of cancer it is. We will listen to their ideas on chemo and we will ask the important questions about life expectancy and most importantly, quality of that life.
Mom was please when I told her she does not HAVE to do it if she does not want to. If she would rather choose palliative care then we will. She said all she want sto do is make sure she is there and healthy for my wedding in April. Me too. I told her I would kill her if she died before it. We both laughed at that. She said she will listen to what they have to say about chemo and decide then if it is worth it to her.
We have talked about how she can stay healthy for as long as possible in the meantime. She is suddenly eating oatmeal. She is also loving pudding. Her spirits are good. We both have moments of sadness and despair.
Truth be told, never in my life have I experienced such pain and sorrow. For those of you who do not know me that well, my personality really detests being the victim of any situation. For those of you that do know me, no surprise there I imagine. My goal is to feel the pain and yet remain intact and not wallow in it. I am a planner so that will be the focus as well. Planning for the time we have left together and having it be as meaningful and healing emotionally as possible.
Here is the request that I have of those around me. Enjoy every moment of life. Live them all. Dream the big dreams and tell great stories of triumph. Feel all that you need to feel. I appreciate all of the kind thoughts that have been sent along. My mother appreciates them all as well. Do not feel sorry for either of us. There is great freedom in being honest about what is going on and being true to yourself and your spirit.
Whatever the path holds and however much time is left, it will be well spent. There will be incredibly dark days as well as ones filled with with inappropriate remarks about death and dying that make my mother or I laugh out loud. Hope does spring eternal and she may have a few surprises left in her. Who knows. Either way, we are grateful to each and every one of you for the kindness and the laughter.
I still hate you cancer, but you have given us both the gift of forgiveness and compassion.
With much love and affection to all,
Kathleen
The prognosis from the original physician was dire. She would be out of work for 4-6 months at least and she would have challenges in the arm on the side that was involved. I would have to move back home and care for her. Those were the days when a second opinion was mandatory.
My mom heard about a surgeon at Rush who was a good man and a good physician. We figured we would go see him. It turns out he was one of the kindest and most compassionate doctors I have ever known. He met with us and said that there could be no delays in operating, it can either be Friday or Monday but no more than that. We were in shock. He suggested we go have lunch and talk it over and then come back and see him.
We ate, I think. We decided on Monday so that mom could get some things in order. We wnet back up to his office and on the way we ran into him in the hallway. He walked up to us and asked if we had made a decision. We had. He said "great" and he put his hand on my moms' arm and said he would be back in his office shortly and we would discuss it.
As soon as he walked away mom said "He actually touched my arm and hand when he spoke to me." at this point we had some faith. When we met with him he said that mom would by fine in 4-6 weeks and should have little to no problems with the arm. True to his word, she was fine and back to work 6 weeks later. She never had any of the problems associated with a mastectomy.
But I digress.
Mom has had stage 4 breast cancer since 2001. She has been very lucky in that she had never had chemo or radiation to rid her of cancer. She did have some infusions to protect her bones from the cancer spreading but that was minimal and not the "hair falling out" variety that people think of with cancer.
She found a new lump about 2 months ago and for that they did some radiation and it disappeared. She had been losing her appetite and she started itching all over. For those of you that do not know my mom, she is often the "boy who cried wolf".
She can call me 47 times in under 3 hours because she was thinking of me and could not get in touch with me and wanted to tell me what she had for dinner. She has complained of stomach aches or heartburn every day for the past 10 years. Of course, she eats a big meal and them immediately jumps into bed. No shock about heartburn or a stomach ache after that.
Every year around the time of the seasons changing her skin gets dry and itchy. I hint that it might have something to do with her lack of fluid consumption and keeping the condo at a balmy 78 -80 degrees. So this year, when it happened again as it does every year I was not overly concerned.
She had a loss of appetite as well. This also usually happens the same time every year as the days grow darker and she gets a bit sad. The problem is that when I stopped in to see her a couple of weeks ago she was yellow. She had already seen her primary care doc and had some bloodwork done but no word from him. Strange I thought and told her to call him.
I had to have additional views for a mammogram (what fun eh) and had to go to the same docs office to pick up the order. I had the mammogram and it was fine according to the radiologist. I called my mom to let her know and she mentioned that she had not heard anything back from the doc.
Easy enough, go back to his office and ask him what is going on. He told me that he was waiting for a ohone call and he would call her today. By the time I got home she said he called and asked if she wanted to be admitted. You can imagine my shock given that the labs were drawn on 9/29 and it was now the 20th of October. She said he suggested that she get an ultrasound because sshe had some lab results that were worrisome. I told her we were going to get the US the next day (it was already 7pm) no matter what.
We went to Rush and had the US around 1:20 and he asked us to come to his office afterwards. He did not have the results yet but they had told us that they could not get in touch with him. He called the US people back and told us that it looks like there might be some gallstones causing a problem. If she wanted to be admitted she would have to go through the ER and it might take several hours (might?). I asked him to do a direct admit the follwoing morning and this way we could go home and get her some clothes and other items necessary for a hospital visit.
No worries. Rush calls the next am and asks what time we would like to come in. We tell them 11:30 and head on down to Rush. It is an easy admit and the staff is lovely.
They want to do a CT scan to get better visualization of the masses. Eventually that gets done and we discover it is a mass in her pancreas and not likely gallstones.
Rough day but okay.
They schedule her for an ERCP (do not ask me what it stands for, all I know is it is an endoscopic procedure). Fine. It gets delayed. Fine. Scheduled 2 days later than originally. Fine. They take her down before I get to the hospital. Not fine. Running around hospital to find her before procedure. Hectic but prudent. Get to hang out with her in crappy prep area. Fine.
GI surgeon comes out to talk to me. It looks like cancer and the mass is roughly 3cm and adjacent to the vein. So... Not... Fine....
On phone with Ronni immediately and I have no idea of anything I said to her. She asked if I needed her to be there and I think I said something along the lines of "I have absolutely no idea if I need you. That cannot be a good sign as I am not the kind of person that is indecisive. For those of you that know me well, please stop nodding in agreement of laughing at that.
Here is the bottom line. I have dealt with mom having cancer for 20 years now. It has rarely if ever fazed me. Even 20 years ago my first question to her was If she wanted to fight it or let go. We would proceed with a ccareful plan either way. Now, I am pissed at cancer. We looked you in the face for 20 years and told you you were not that tought. It seems as though cancer may get the last word on this one.
Or maybe not. My mom and I have spoken of end-of-life issues for two decades already. Her sister passed away 3 years ago after suffering horribly, and neglected by her immediate family for weeks (husband and son, not siblings). She had multiple organ failure and nobody wanted to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order. Of course she crashed and they had to keep doing everything to keep her alive. She was unrecognizable before that even happened.
My mom pulled me from the room and clutched my arm and made me promise, yet again, to never let it get that far for her. I promised that and my intention is to honor that promise. It will not be easy. It is easy to become selfish and want to keep her around for me.
We still do not have the cytology reports that will determine if it is breast cancer that has metasticized or primary pancreatic cancer. Surgery has been ruled out for her (the operation that they might have done is a Whipple, go ahead, Google it) and I am actually grateful for that. It may sound cold to some and compassionate to others. There are reasons that she has been ruled out for surgery and they are valid ones. I did not have to worry about making that decision, it was made for both of us.
The location makes her not as much of a candidate for radiation either. So... One less decision to make there as well.
Last option is chemo. Oh chemo. When I told mom what their initial recommendation was after the multidisciplinary consult on her case she said "I really don't want to go through that at this point in my life". We will meet with the physicians next week after they have a definitive answer on what type of cancer it is. We will listen to their ideas on chemo and we will ask the important questions about life expectancy and most importantly, quality of that life.
Mom was please when I told her she does not HAVE to do it if she does not want to. If she would rather choose palliative care then we will. She said all she want sto do is make sure she is there and healthy for my wedding in April. Me too. I told her I would kill her if she died before it. We both laughed at that. She said she will listen to what they have to say about chemo and decide then if it is worth it to her.
We have talked about how she can stay healthy for as long as possible in the meantime. She is suddenly eating oatmeal. She is also loving pudding. Her spirits are good. We both have moments of sadness and despair.
Truth be told, never in my life have I experienced such pain and sorrow. For those of you who do not know me that well, my personality really detests being the victim of any situation. For those of you that do know me, no surprise there I imagine. My goal is to feel the pain and yet remain intact and not wallow in it. I am a planner so that will be the focus as well. Planning for the time we have left together and having it be as meaningful and healing emotionally as possible.
Here is the request that I have of those around me. Enjoy every moment of life. Live them all. Dream the big dreams and tell great stories of triumph. Feel all that you need to feel. I appreciate all of the kind thoughts that have been sent along. My mother appreciates them all as well. Do not feel sorry for either of us. There is great freedom in being honest about what is going on and being true to yourself and your spirit.
Whatever the path holds and however much time is left, it will be well spent. There will be incredibly dark days as well as ones filled with with inappropriate remarks about death and dying that make my mother or I laugh out loud. Hope does spring eternal and she may have a few surprises left in her. Who knows. Either way, we are grateful to each and every one of you for the kindness and the laughter.
I still hate you cancer, but you have given us both the gift of forgiveness and compassion.
With much love and affection to all,
Kathleen
posted by Unknown at 1:48 PM
2 Comments:
I love you, Schlages...you are an amazing, kind, compassionate, loving, strong woman! I am here for you and praying for all of you...God is bigger than cancer will ever be! xoxo
Dear Kathy,
I am glad you have this blog to write about what is going on for you in this crisis. I know a lot of people love you, and want to know how you and your mom are doing - this helps a great deal, and I'm sure it's good for you to get it off your chest. I'll follow along with you as much as I can, and look forward to having that cup of coffee with you whenever the time is right for you. Or even when it isn't.
Love, Tom Test
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